CHAPTER 04: Beware "Yes"—Master "No"

Summary

• The author describes a scenario where a telemarketer calls and uses a hard sell technique to try to get the person to say "yes" to buying something they don't want.
• The author reflects on how people often feel uncomfortable saying "yes" and feel relief when they can say "no."
• The author argues that "yes" can often be a meaningless answer that hides deeper objections and that "maybe" is even worse.
• The author suggests that "no" is a valuable word for negotiators because it provides an opportunity to clarify what one really wants by eliminating what they don't want.
• The author argues that "no" is a safe choice that maintains the status quo and provides a temporary oasis of control.
• The author shares that his fascination with "no" began with a conversation he had before his negotiation career began while working as an FBI agent on the Joint Terrorism Task Force.
• The author argue that "no" is a valuable word for negotiators because it provides an opportunity to clarify what one really wants by eliminating what they don't want.
• The author argues that "no" is a safe choice that maintains the status quo and provides a temporary oasis of control.
• The author suggests that great negotiators seek "no" because they know that's often when the real negotiation begins.
• The author suggests that politely saying "no" to your opponent, calmly hearing "no," and just letting the other side know that they are welcome to say "no" has a positive impact on any negotiation.
• The author advises to train yourself to hear "no" as something other than rejection and respond accordingly.
• The author suggests that after pausing, ask solution-based questions or simply label their effect, e.g. "What about this doesn't work for you?"
• The author argues that people have a need to say "no," so don't just hope to hear it at some point, get them to say it early.
• The author argues that a negotiation style that is all me, me, me, ego, ego, ego, will not be effective and that people on the other side of the table may decide to politely ignore the negotiator by saying "yes" but ultimately weaseling out later.
• The author suggests that there are actually three kinds of "yes", Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment.
• The author argues that a counterfeit "yes" is one in which your counterpart plans on saying "no" but either feels "yes" is an easier escape route or just wants to disingenuously keep the conversation going.
• The author suggests that a confirmation "yes" is generally innocent, a reflexive response to a black-or-white question.
• The author argues that a commitment "yes" is the one that you want because it means the other side has bought into your proposal.
• The author argues that "no" is a valuable word for negotiators because it provides an opportunity to clarify what one really wants by eliminating what they don't want.
• The author argues that "no" is a safe choice that maintains the status quo and provides a temporary oasis of control.
• The author suggests that great negotiators seek "no" because they know that's often when the real negotiation begins.
• The author advises to train yourself to hear "no" as something other than rejection and respond accordingly.
• The author suggests that "no" is an answer that opens the path forward, "no" is a reaffirmation of autonomy, it's not a use or abuse of power, it's not an act of rejection, it's not a manifestation of stubbornness, it's not the end of the negotiation.
• The author argues that "no" often opens the discussion up.
• The author suggests that "no" allows the real issues to be brought forth, protects people from making and lets them correct ineffective decisions, slows things down so that people can freely embrace their decisions and the agreements they enter into, helps people feel safe, secure, emotionally comfortable, and in control of their decisions, moves everyone's efforts forward.
• The author also shares an example of a political fundraiser who uses a traditional "Yes pattern" fund-raising script to raise money for Republican congressional candidates, which doesn't work because the person on the other end of the line is only saying "yes" to get the fundraiser off the phone.
• The author suggests that using "No" in a negotiation can be beneficial because it allows people to feel in control and protected.
• "No" is often seen as a failure, but the author argues that it is actually a sign of autonomy and should not be avoided.
• "Yes" is the final goal of a negotiation, but the author suggests that starting a negotiation by asking for a "yes" can be off-putting and make the other party defensive.
• The author suggests that "No" can be used strategically to open up the discussion and help people feel more comfortable and in control.
• The author encourages readers to think of "No" as an anti-niceness technique, which can help to peel away the plastic falsehood of "yes" and get to what's really at stake.
• The author suggests that by using "No" in a negotiation, the speaker will feel safe, secure, and in control, so it should be triggered.
• The author suggests that sometimes the only way to get your point across is to walk away and let the other party chase after you.
• The author suggests that by triggering "No", it can peel away the plastic falsehood of "Yes" and get to what's really at stake.
• The author suggests that the key lessons of the chapter are to break the habit of attempting to get people to say "Yes", to learn how to hear "No" calmly, to not aim for "Yes" too quickly in a conversation, to trigger "No" to make the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, and sometimes the only way to get your point across is to walk away and let the other party chase after you.