CHAPTER 03: Don't Feel Their Pain, Label It

Summary

• The traditional advice for negotiation is to keep a poker face and not get emotional.
• But emotions are often the problem in negotiation and ignoring them can lead to more issues.
• Good negotiators identify and influence emotions, and use them as a tool.
• Emotions are not obstacles, but means to an end.
• Good negotiators use a therapeutic approach, similar to a psychotherapist with a patient.
• Emotionally intelligent negotiators open their senses, listen more, and talk less.
• By perceiving the emotions of others, a negotiator can turn them to their advantage.
• Tactical empathy is used by imagining oneself in the other person's place.
• By using this technique, the negotiator was able to get heavily armed fugitives to come out of an apartment peacefully.
• Empathy in negotiation is not about being nice or agreeing with the other side, but about understanding them.
• Empathy helps negotiators learn the position the enemy is in, why their actions make sense to them, and what might move them.
• In tense situations, good negotiators identify and influence emotions rather than denying or ignoring them.
• Empathy is why the three fugitives came out after six hours of the speaker's late-night DJ voice.
• Tactical empathy is essentially therapeutic, it duplicates that of a psychotherapist with a patient.
• Label emotions by identifying them and verbalizing them, it is a way of validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it.
• Labeling is a simple and versatile skill that allows to reinforce a good aspect of negotiation or diffuse a negative one.
• Labeling has specific rules about form and delivery, it is less like chatting and more like a formal art.
• Expecting counterparts to jump up and shout, "Don't you dare tell me how I feel!" is common but it never happens.
• The first step to labeling is detecting the other person's emotional state, by paying close attention to the words, tone, and body language.
• The traditional negotiating advice is to keep a poker face and not get emotional, but this is problematic because emotions are the main thing that derail communication.
• Good negotiators identify and influence emotions, both their own and others, by labeling them and talking about them without getting upset.
• Emotion is a tool for negotiators, and the relationship between a negotiator and their counterpart is therapeutic.
• Empathy is not about being nice or agreeing with the other side, it's about understanding them. Empathy helps negotiators learn the position the enemy is in, why their actions make sense to them and what might move them.
• Tactical empathy is used by negotiators because it works, it's why the three fugitives came out after six hours of my late-night DJ voice.
• Labeling is a way of validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it. It's a shortcut to intimacy and a time-saving emotional hack.
• Labeling has a special advantage when your counterpart is tense, it exposes negative thoughts to daylight and makes them less frightening.
• Label is a simple but versatile skill that can be used to reinforce a good aspect of the negotiation or diffuse a negative one.
• Labeling is awkward for most people, they expect the other person to react negatively, but in reality, people never even notice.
• The first step to labeling is detecting the other person's emotional state, this can be done by paying close attention to their words, tone, and body language.
• When apologizing for a mistake, it's best to go right at it and acknowledge the negative dynamic, this diffuses the situation and creates a quick working relationship.
• To deal with negativity, observe it without reaction or judgment, consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.
• One example is a student named TJ who worked as an assistant controller at the Washington Redskins, he used labeling to deal with negative feedback from the team's CFO and turned the situation around by offering a positive solution.
• The author describes a situation in which a student of his, working in fundraising, was struggling to get a donation from a difficult donor.
• He teaches the student the technique of "labeling" which involves acknowledging and validating the other person's emotions in order to diffuse negative feelings and establish trust.
• The student uses this technique to understand the donor's concerns, which ultimately leads to the donor giving a donation without specifying a specific project.
• The author also describes an exercise he uses in his negotiation classes, called "sixty seconds or she dies," which is designed to demonstrate the importance of understanding and addressing the emotions driving the behavior of the other person.
• He also suggests using a technique called "Accusation Audit" which can help in identifying and addressing the underlying emotions that might be driving negative behavior.
• Labeling is a powerful tactic in negotiation that can be used to deescalate angry confrontations and build trust.
• Labeling involves acknowledging the negative emotions of the other party, and using this understanding to diffuse the situation and move forward.
• An example of this is when a negotiator acknowledges that a donor may be hesitant about certain projects and then uses this understanding to tailor their approach and find a solution.
• Another example is when a negotiator acknowledges the frustration of a partner company and then uses this understanding to find a solution that works for both parties.
• Another way to use labeling is to do an accusation audit, where you label the fears of the other party and diffuse them before they can be used as an obstacle in the negotiation.
• The goal of labeling is to create a safe zone of empathy and understanding, where the other party feels heard and understood, which allows for a more productive negotiation.
• The author of the transcript is discussing the technique of "tactical empathy" and how it can be applied in different scenarios to achieve a desired outcome.
• The author suggests using "labels" and "mirrors" to acknowledge the other person's situation and convey that you are listening.
• The author emphasizes the importance of focusing on clearing barriers to agreement rather than focusing on reasons why a deal may happen.
• The author encourages the use of silence and pauses after using labels or mirrors to allow the other party to process the information.
• The author advises using "accusation audits" to prepare for negative dynamics and head them off before they take root.
• The author states that the goal of using these techniques is to create a sense of empathy and human connection, not just to extract what you want from the interaction.
• The author encourages continued practice to internalize these techniques and make them a part of one's personality.