CHAPTER 02: Be a Mirror

Summary

• The extract is about a bank robbery that happened in 1993 and the author's experience as a hostage negotiator for the FBI.
• He had been training for a year and a half in hostage negotiations but this was his first real test.
• The author highlights that negotiation is his lifelong passion and that he was eager to use his new skills.
• The situation involved multiple law enforcement agencies and the robbers seemed to be in over their heads.
• The author emphasizes the importance of being ready for surprises and holding multiple hypotheses in mind while negotiating.
• He suggests that the goal at the outset is to extract and observe as much information as possible, avoiding assumptions and biases.
• He highlights the importance of being present and alert in the moment, using new information to discard false hypotheses.
• He also mentions that some smart people find it hard to be negotiators because they think they don't have anything to discover.
• Good negotiators know they have to be ready for surprises and use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain exist.
• Experience teaches that it's best to hold multiple hypotheses in mind at the same time and use new information to test and winnow true hypotheses from false ones.
• Negotiation is a process of discovery, goal is to extract and observe as much information as possible.
• Most people approach a negotiation preoccupied by the arguments that support their position, unable to listen attentively.
• The FBI has a whole team to listen well, highlighting that it's not that easy.
• A powerful way to quiet the voice in your head and the voice in the other person's head is to make your sole focus the other person and what they have to say, using tactics learned in the following chapters.
• The goal is to identify what the other person actually needs and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want.
• Listening, making it about the other person, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.
• The speaker is an FBI negotiator and the podcast is discussing one of his first hostage negotiation jobs.
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of good listening skills in negotiation and the challenges that come with it such as selective listening and cognitive bias.
• The speaker suggests that rather than focusing on arguments, negotiators should focus on the other person and their needs to create trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.
• The speaker also emphasizes the importance of demeanor and delivery in negotiation and how it can be used as a tool to influence the other person's emotions.
• The speaker mentions three different types of voices that negotiators can use: the late-night FM DJ voice, the positive/playful voice, and the direct or assertive voice. He suggests that most of the time the positive/playful voice should be used as it signals lightness and friendliness.
• The speaker mentions that the effects of these voices are cross-cultural and never lost in translation.
• The speaker is discussing the technique of "mirroring" which is a way to build rapport and create trust with the person one is communicating with.
• Mirroring is based on the principle that people are drawn to what is similar to them and fear what is different.
• It is usually associated with nonverbal communication, but as negotiators "mirror" focuses on the words and nothing else.
• The FBI uses mirroring by repeating the last three words of what someone has said.
• Studies have shown that mirroring is more effective in creating a connection than positive reinforcement.
• The speaker uses mirroring with the hostage-taker, Chris Watts, repeating his words and remaining silent to encourage him to elaborate.
• The speaker's mistake is asking Chris Watts if he is Chris Watts, which let him dodge the confrontation.
• The speaker regains control by slowing down and remaining silent after mirroring.
• The other hostage-taker, Bobby Goodwin, comes on the phone, revealing that Chris Watts had an accomplice.
• The speaker is a former FBI negotiator who shares his experience of a negotiation with a man named Chris Watts
• The speaker uses a specific technique called "mirroring" in which he repeats the last three words of what the other person said in order to build rapport and trust
• The speaker also mentions the importance of voice tone in negotiations and describes three types of voice tones: the late-night FM DJ voice, the positive/playful voice, and the direct or assertive voice
• The speaker describes a situation in which the SWAT team was not prepared for the release of the second hostage-taker and how they were able to recover and debrief the hostage-taker
• The speaker was then replaced by another primary negotiator named Dominick Misino, who had a similar experience with Chris Watts and was able to deescalate the situation
• The speaker reflects on how a mistake made by the Technical Assistance Response Unit (TARU) nearly disrupted the negotiation and how it was handled.
• The episode talks about a technique called mirroring in negotiation, which involves repeating back the last three words of what someone has said to signal similarity and build trust.
• Mirroring is most often associated with forms of nonverbal communication, especially body language, but as negotiators, a "mirror" focuses on the words and nothing else.
• Mirroring is effective as it triggers the mirroring instinct and the counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.
• The episode gives an example of a student who used mirroring to avoid unnecessary work from her impulsive boss and got him to change his mind.
• Mirroring takes practice to get used to, but it can be a powerful tool in professional and social settings.