Chapter 5: Which Way Happiness?

Summary

• Happiness varies across individuals and can be influenced by different elements of life such as having or not having children.
• The building blocks of happiness can include adventure, risk, spontaneity, flexibility, acceptance of mortality, honing a life mission, the need for solitude, freedom, intimacy, and a sense of family and community.
• Adventure can offer satisfaction and potential for growth. Parents and non-parents can both find adventure in their particular lifestyles.
• Risk can spur growth and encourage self-discovery. Both having a child and deciding not to can represent risk.
• Spontaneity adds an important flavor to life. Though parenting can limit spontaneity, it can also foster it in new ways.
• Flexibility allows people to adapt to new situations and make necessary adjustments, even after a less-than-ideal decision.
• Confronting the idea of mortality is crucial for a fuller understanding of life and potential decisions. There are various ways to soothe anxieties related to death thoughts.
• Having a personal mission is essential for gaining a sense of purpose and resulting in happiness. Missions may change or be multiple, and it is possible to balance parenthood with other personal goals.
• Solitude can allow for self-discovery and introspection. It may be challenging to find solitude as a parent, but it is not impossible.
• Freedom and commitment are interrelated - decisions require a balance of both. Parenthood can shift the balance but does not completely eliminate freedom.
• Intimacy forms a crucial part of life, and growth often happens within the context of caring relationships. Both childfree individuals and parents have opportunities for nurturing intimate relationships.
• A sense of family and community can meet the need for a sense of belonging. This sense can be created both through blood relations as well as 'chosen' families formed by friends and loved ones.

• The chapter discusses the decision to remain childfree by choice and its relationship to personal and marital happiness.
• Creating a "found" family of connections to people of different ages can be crucial for those who choose not to have children, providing a network of support and companionship.
• It is not advisable to have children purely as a means to avoid loneliness in old age. Instead, the book suggests investing time and energy preparing for the future, developing social connections and financial stability.
• The choice to remain childfree or to have children should ideally align with individual 'building blocks to happiness'.
• A myth suggesting that children ruin happy marriages is countered by stating that a healthy relationship that wants and plans for a child should not be negatively affected by having one, though many 'if's' are considered.
• A dependent relationship could be negatively affected by having a child, with the recommendation being to address dependency issues before considering parenthood.
• The skills required for a good marriage - such as communication, commitment, acceptance, flexibility and the ability to give- are also needed in parent-child relationships.
• Research indicates that nonparents are as mentally healthy and have marriages as happy as parents. Couples with young children tend to be less happy and more stressed, although differences with childfree couples are not statistically significant.
• Children can cause stress in marriages, yet some parents report that their children brought them closer together. Optimal happiness is observed in couples who have controlled their fertility to have no or a desired number of children.
• People deciding to remain childfree should not feel that they must have children for a happy life or happy marriage.
• Research should not be blindly accepted due to potential biases and should be critically evaluated with questions such as the background of the researcher and the socioeconomic groups compared.
• People who want and value children shouldn't be discouraged by these findings; they will likely be able to manage the associated stress. Those who don't want children should take comfort in the likelihood that they will be equally or more happy than their parenting counterparts.