Chapter 6: Tug-of-War, or What to Do When Couples Conflict

Summary

• The chapter discusses the challenges couples confront when one person wants a child and the other does not. The author explains that compromise is almost impossible in such situations. People marry others who meet their needs and when one partner's view changes about having children, conflicts may arise.
• The chapter argues that healthy dialogue and communication can help couples navigate this challenging issue. This includes listening to each other's views, giving verbal feedback, explaining one's needs, and recognizing that each person's choice is merely a preference.
• There are four common outcomes when a couple disagrees about having children: postponing the decision, the unsure partner agreeing with the partner who feels more strongly, one partner pressuring the other, or the partner who feels strongly resorting to deceptive tactics to get their way.
• In potential solutions, the author advises against a single person taking complete responsibility of the child is not recommended. Moreover, any solution should be based on honesty, respect, and mutual understanding. Moreover, counseling and delaying the decision can be considered as ways to maneuver this complex issue.
• Various tactics that couples can resort to during these disagreements are discussed, including but not limited to arm-twisting, avoidance, psychological pressure (referred to as the "shrink" game), deception, and fostering dependencies with the child as the fulcrum (referred to as the ‘Courting Divorce’ game).
• Direct, honest communication is advocated as the best approach. Expressing feelings and needs, giving feedback, and separate processes to express feelings, empathize with a partner, and decide what to do about the feelings are considered crucial steps toward a resolution.
• Dialogue is emphasized as important in accepting the other person as a human being with his or her own identity and preferences. The chapter provides a detailed conversation between a couple to illustrate how respectful communication works in practice.
• To aid understanding, the chapter includes a list of questions couples might ask themselves before actual decision-making discussions, such as how to make each choice easier, identifying disagreements (and if they are conditional or unconditional), the importance of nurturing qualities in a partner, and understanding feelings about the issue.

• Audrey (desiring a baby) and Jay's (not wanting one) situation is described, in which the potential difficulties of having a child despite Jay not wanting one is discussed.
• The impact of an uninvolved or reluctantly involved parent on a child is emphasized, referencing the author's experience as a psychotherapist.
• The author focuses on the dangers of assuming a partner will grow into parenthood after a child is born and that having a baby may lead to divorce.
• Ideas are suggested for those not wanting a child to help fulfill their partner's desire to parent, such as spending time with nieces and nephews.
• The chapter delves into the fear surrounding whether a partner will leave as a result of a decision to not have a child, with a focus on expressing gratitude and accommodating the potential emotional needs of the partner.
• The book addresses the consideration of whether or not to marry someone who has different views on having children, with advice to resolve the baby decision before making a long-term commitment.
• Counseling is suggested for those unable to discuss or feeling embattled despite following the advice in the chapter.
• The chapter also gives a caution about considering divorce over the baby issue, with several questions to reflect upon, such as the involvement of more than the baby issue, handling the baby decision in future relationships, realistic expectations about parenthood, and the potential consequences of threatening a partner with separation.
• An exercise for the ABP (Already Been a Parent) is presented to help differentiate the experiences of previous and current relationships before making a decision about having another child.
• Concluding remarks note how conflict can often lead to growth, and they give an example of a successful couple navigating through the baby decision conflict, emphasizing the importance of expressing emotions, recognizing and correcting weaknesses, and improving intimacy along the way.