Chapter 3: In and Out of the Pressure Cooker

Summary

• The chapter discusses how individuals can face pressures from family, friends and loved ones to either have or not have children, and these pressures may bring to surface personal doubts, fears and insecurities about parenthood.
• The pressures are seen as difficult to ignore as they tend to be deeply internalized and can therefore impact one's own decision-making process when it comes to having children.
• The authors underscore the importance of understanding what lies behind the pressure tactics of family and friends, and how one can navigate such pressures, possibly even turning them into an advantage. They caution that if parents were abusive or hurtful, avoidance or therapy may be the better options.
• The chapter then delves into common fears associated with parenthood, such as fear of turning into one's own parents, losing self-identity or losing a partner's attention. The authors encourage readers to openly discuss these fears.
• It is suggested that resolving complicated feelings stemming from one's own upbringing or parents can assist in making a more informed decision about having children.
• Notably, the chapter mentions that some people may be avoiding parenthood due to negative feelings they have about their own parents or negative experiences during their childhood. The authors assert that one's ability to parent should not be determined solely by the quality of one's childhood or parental relationships.
• The chapter concludes by advising readers on how to deal with societal pressure or criticisms related to the decision to have or not have children. In particular, the authors provide insights, strategies and steps on becoming more assertive in dealing with such pressure.
• Examples of individuals struggling with these issues are given, providing realistic depictions of how people cope with family pressure on the decision to have or not to have children.

• People who voluntarily remain childfree often face pressure and judgement from society due to reasons such as envy, ignorance, and the failure to accept difference.
• People often play psychological games with childfree individuals in an attempt to vent their negative feelings, often without being fully aware of what they're doing.
• Common games played include "You'll Be Sorry" which attempts to make the childfree individual feel guilty about their freedom, and "Ha! Ha! We Knew It All Along" which aims to depreciate the individual's ability to change their mind on being childfree.
• Childfree individuals are often perceived as having extra time and are pressured to take on more responsibilities like community service or babysitting.
• Women who choose to remain childless often face harsher judgement and criticism than men due to societal expectations surrounding motherhood. Though feminism has challenged these expectations, they still persist.
• Self-doubt and insecurity can lead people to criticize other's life choices, including choosing to remain childfree. Childfree individuals may also be prone to playing similar games.
• Many people who choose to remain childfree can be accused of conformity or non-conformity based on the prevalent view of their social circle.
• The chapter discusses strategies for dealing with societal pressures, including dodging, using humor, using the "why does it matter to you" technique, and refusing to discuss the subject.
• The individual is encouraged to remember their own "Pressure Victim's Bill of Rights", which includes the right to choose whether to discuss the decision, the right to cut the conversation short, and the right to object to manipulative techniques.
• The chapter concludes by suggesting that pressure and judgement from those who disapprove of the childfree lifestyle usually lessens over time.

• Social pressure around having children is highest during the third and fourth years of marriage.
• If you choose to be childfree, pressure decreases over time and your ability to handle it improves.
• Sharing your decision with family and friends has benefits as they may provide helpful insights or support.
• Testing your decision through other people's reactions can increase your confidence in it.
• The more firm your decision to remain childfree, the easier it will be to shrug off others' comments.
• To avoid pressure, don't introduce the topic and only respond when others bring it up.
• Before making your decision, discuss with people you trust to help your decision mature and become easier to defend.
• Increased confidence in your decision makes you better equipped to handle criticism or persuasion attempts.